Reading this week:  Willpower By Roy Baumeister and John Tierney

It seemed an apt time to read this book and to write about it. After all, it is the New Year, the time of resolutions, of mustering our inner strength and self-control and aiming to improve ourselves. The problem that I have is that I lose motivation and my good intentions peter out into nothingness. For men, willpower is extremely important, because men are by nature more impulsive than women, and consequently have more distractions in a working day. So, if like me, this is your problem is that you lose the impetus to press on with self-improvements, then this is the book for you. Let me tell you why.

Who wrote it

Professor Roy Baumeister is a distinguished psychologist, who has written more than 450 scientific publications. John Tierney is a New York Times science columnist. Professor Baumeister has spent a great part of his working life in research into willpower. So this book is the culmination of a lifetime’s work in the field of willpower and self-control.

What Willpower is

Professor Baumeister came to the study of willpower via studies into self-esteem. He realised that in terms of achieving one’s goals, willpower was a more important factor than self-esteem.  But what was willpower?

John Tierney is good here, and summarises the research and evidence of years spent discovering the true nature of willpower, he tells a lucid, entertaining story and often funnystory. It makes for a great read but here in summary, is what Professor Baumeister discovered:

 Willpower is real. It is a brain function that operates within the brain’s conflict management (problem management) function.

Willpower is a real resource. We all have a reservoir of willpower, the size of which depends on several key factors. Everything we do uses our single reservoir of willpower. So finding a parking space, getting a meeting with your manager, completing a difficult task, all come from that one reservoir of willpower.

Willpower gets depleted by our efforts. The bad news is that our willpower gets depleted whether we succeed or fail. Once our willpower is gone, we enter a state where, try as we might, some tasks are beyond our capability. So we then have to replenish our willpower. The really good news is that we can strengthen our willpower.

One of the best things about Willpower is that it describes in simple and practical terms how anyone can improve their willpower. The fact that Willpower so clearly explains how to raise one’s willpower makes it a wonderfully useful book.

The most useful thing that I can do in this review is to list some of the ways in which Professor Baumeister advises us to strengthen and conserve our willpower Here are five ways to improve willpower;

Get a good night’s sleep. Our willpower is always at its highest after proper rest.

Meditate. Meditation increases willpower.

Keep a To-Do list. Worrying about things you have to do is proven to deplete willpower. A To-Do list removes that worry (even if you do not complete the tasks) and preserves your reservoir of willpower.

Make a priority and fixate on its goal. This will increase your willpower and aid your execution of the work.

Introduce small regular tasks into your life (that require willpower to complete) and keep working at them over time. This will increase your willpower.

The list above contains some of the simpler suggestions from the book, for those of you who want techniques that are even more effective, please buy the book. It is possible to build an entire willpower regime from the book’s advice.

Using the book’s techniques

I took several of the book’s suggestions and put them into effect a week ago. The effects were immediate, my productivity is now much higher than it was a week ago.  One of the things that the book suggests is to take tasks that you currently do and regularise them, put them within a planned schedule. I did this and found that the tasks became easier and my execution of them quicker.  Willpower and Professor Baumeister’s techniques work. This is a marvellous book, truly useful for any man. I recommend Willpower wholeheartedly.

Legio Patria Nostra; The Legion is our Fatherland

Official Legion Motto

Today, the 30th of April, the French Foreign Legion celebrates Camerone Day at its compound in Aubagne, Southern France.  The Legion celebrates its victories and its glories.  It honours its history and its dead.

This is Part 3 of the Camerone Day article and describes the event itself

Part 1 of this article, which briefly outlines the history of the Legion up to the Battle of Camerone, can be found here

Part 2, which retells the events of the battle of Camerone, can be found here

Camerone Day Parade

On this day, a ritual recitation of the battle is read out by an officer at a ceremonial parade.  The artificial hand of Capitaine Danjou is carried solemnly to the Monument to the Dead, where it presides over the ceremony.

The wooden hand of Capitaine Jean Danjou

In the afternoon, parades are structured around meticulously prepared displays of military skill.  Officers and men mix freely with retired veterans and legionnaire families.  The Legion museum is opened to the visitors.

The senior officers of the Legion make coffee for the lower ranks and enlisted men.  They do this in memory of the legionnaires of Camerone, literally making “the coffee the legionnaires of Camerone never had”.   Toasts are made, wine and beer are drunk.

In the old days Camerone Day was the one day on which legionnaires could do whatever they liked, drinking, brawling, public disorder.  Tradition dictated that any legionnaire was pardoned for whatever he might do, short of striking an officer.  In these more politically correct times that liberty has been taken away, though minor infractions are still looked on with a blind eye.   

Legionnaire sappers wearing their traditional leather aprons

 

“They are just more expendable”

The Legion has changed, fought many more wars and become even more renowned since Camerone.  The Legion is now France’s Special Forces, go-anywhere army.  However, some things do not change.  One commentator, when asked what was so special about the Legion said “They are just more expendable”. 

The Legion today

In truth the Legion has always been treated shabbily by successive French governments.  The Legion is given impossible tasks, which they accomplish without complaint and with matchless courage.  They have often been abandoned or betrayed by France, for whatever political expedience has been paramount at the time.

France is not a country which we associated the virtues of bravery and honour.  But the Legion are a magnificent exception, who embody courage, bravery and honour.  Here is my salute to the Legion and its men on their great day.

Books

There are no good movies about the French Foreign Legion but the law of balance has ensured that there are some superb books.  Here are my preferences:

Douglas Porch

The French Foreign Legion

I am indebted to Douglas Porch for much of what I know about the Legion.  His book is a wonderful history of the legion, up to the end of its time in Algeria.  Porch is an intelligent, perceptive writer, with a quietly consistent love of the Legion and its history that makes for irresistible reading. 

Get it in England here or in the US here

Simon Murray

Legionnaire

Widely considered to be the best memoir of life in the modern legion, it has more depth and self-awareness than the other memoirs that are in print.  Simon Murray can best be described as a rather well-off British adolescent who, for reasons he did not really understand, enlisted in the French Foreign Legion.  It made a man of him and a special one at that.  Once you start this book you cannot put it down.

Get it in England here or in the US here

John Robert Young

The French Foreign Legion; the inside story of the world-famous fighting force

I consider myself incredibly lucky to own a copy of this book, which I have had for a long time.    Though it is now out of print I urge you to try to get a copy.  John Robert Young is a famous English photo-journalist who lived with the Legion for over a year, photographing and writing about their life.  I am indebted to this book for my description of Camerone Day.

The photographs are beautiful, works of art, and I defy any real man to look at them without getting a lump in the throat.  The book was printed in Italy and the quality of the book and the photographs is superb.  If you want to feel and see what life in the Legion is like, this is the best and finest book. 
Get it in England here

Photographs

John Robert Young has a website, where it is possible to buy prints of his magnificent Legion photographs.  I have promised myself one.

You can get them here

“Marche ou creve”; March or Die

Unofficial Legion Motto

Today is Camerone Day

Camerone Day is the most important day in the calendar of the French Foreign Legion, their holy day. 

This is Part 2 of the Camerone Day article, and retells the events of the battle

Part 1 of this article, which briefly outlines the history of the Legion up to Camerone, can be found here

Part 3 is about Camerone Day itself and what happens on the day, can be found here

The battle of Hacienda Cameron

On April 30^th 1863, a Legion reconnaissance force of 65 men and officers were on patrol near the village of Cameron.  The legionnaires were led by Capitaine Jean Danjou, a hero of the legion’s Crimean war.  Danjou had lost his left hand in battle and had a wooden hand in its stead.

On foot, Danjou’s force suddenly encountered 1,200 Mexican cavalry, busy setting an ambush for the main French army.  Forming a square, Danjou unleashed a fusillade of rifle fire that completely shattered the Mexican charge.  Danjou moved his command to the Hacienda Cameron, a large ranch some two hundred yards away.  Here, with matchless courage, the legionnaires fought the huge Mexican force.

Capitaine Jean Danjou

“We have munitions, we will fight”

By 11.00 am the legionnaires had fought for three hours, without water and with only the ammunition they carried.  Their mules carrying water and ammunition had been run off by the Mexican’s at first contact.  When offered the chance to surrender, Danjou simply replied “We have munitions, we will fight”.  The legionnaires swore an oath to fight to the death.

A simpler reply

The legion’s situation soon a turn for the worst.  The Mexicans were joined by 600 infantrymen.  This gave them the ability to storm the compound.  By this time Danjou, who have been leading bravely, was dead.  As the fighting intensified, the Mexicans offered the legionnaires a second opportunity to surrender.  The second reply was shorter “Merde!”     

The legion fought on.  Incendiaries and the intense rifle fire set fire to the Hacienda.  Still the legion fought on, standing in the smoke and flames.  In the words of Corporal Louis Maine  “Hope no longer existed, still, no one thought of surrender”. 

The Mexicans stormed the compound; the five surviving legionnaires each fired their single last bullet and then bayonet charged the astonished Mexicans.  The last officer, Second Lieutenant Maudet, died instantly with 19 bullets in him, along with Catteau, a legionnaire who tried to act as a human shield for Maudet.  Wenzel, Constantin and Maine, the surviving Legionnaires, were about to be bayoneted when a Mexican officer halted their killing.

The Legion's last stand at Hacienda Cameron

“Will you surrender?”

The officer begged them to surrender.  The three legionnaires agreed to do so, as long they could keep their weapons and that Wenzel be treated for his wounds.  With this agreed, they were taken to the Mexican commander, a Colonel Milan.  When he saw them he exclaimed “Is this all that is left?”  “These are not men, these are demons!”.

Eternal Glory

The incredible story of the battle became the enduring myth of the Legion.  Danjou and the brave men who would never surrender.  Camerone has resonated throughout the Legion’s history as the moment when the Legion was truly born.

The Legion’s Alamo

To understand the importance of Camerone, one has to understand that Camerone is the Legion’s Alamo, brave men fighting against impossible odds, refusing to surrender.  There are other parallels.  Like the battle of the Alamo, Camerone so shocked the Mexican forces that they lost a major battle to the French soon after. 

Part 3, is about Camerone Day itself and what happens on the day, can be found here

Legio Patria Nostra;  The Legion is our Fatherland

Official motto of the French Foreign Legion

Today is Camerone Day, the day on which the French Foreign Legion celebrates its history.

This is Part 1, which briefly tells of the formation of the French Foreign Legion

Part 2, which retells the events of the battle of Camerone, can be found here

Part 3, is about Camerone Day itself and what happens on the day, can be found here

The French Foreign Legion on parade

Camerone Day is the most important day in the calendar of the French Foreign Legion, their holy day.  It is a day that celebrates courage, honour and fidelity.  It is the French Foreign Legion’s Alamo.  Today, as on every April the 30^th, the Legion will celebrate Camerone Day in their compound at Aubagne in the South of France.

The French Foreign Legion is one of the most famous fighting forces the world has ever known.  Camerone, the battle of Hacienda Cameron, formed the legion, and made them unique as a fighting force.  Every legionnaire knows the story of Camerone.  For the Legion, Camerone lives in their hearts. 

In honour of this day, here is a brief retelling of how it came about.

A brief summary of the origins of the French Foreign Legion

Strangely enough the French Foreign Legion was an outcome of the French Revolution.  The revolution sent shockwaves throughout Europe for decades after the event.  The other countries of Europe were monarchies, dictatorships one and all.  The revolution attracted many thousands of other nationalities to France, in search of the elusive freedom. 

Elusive freedom

However if France were free, life was not.  Over time, France’s problem became what do with these men.  Penniless, often not speaking French, mostly without useful skills or money, the foreigners were a real problem.  Banding together in camps and bands, gravitating towards crime, they became a threat to civil communities.  Something had to be done.     

The Legion D’Etranger

France had a tradition of enlisting foreigners into its army.  It always needed men to fill out levies to fight the constant wars that erupted in its colonies.  In 1831 the new revolutionary government passed a bill to form a new army, of foreign nationals.

So the Legion was formed as a regiment of foreigners led by French officers. From this inauspicious start would come one of the greatest fighting forces the world has ever known. 

The Legion was very different then.  This was a desperate regiment, for desperate men.  For many it was the choice between death by starvation or joining the Legion.  Many of these men were fugitives, defeated revolutionaries, criminals, illegal immigrants from France’s African empire.  It is from this time that the legion’s policy of allowing any man to enlist without asking him about his past, came into being.     

Mexico  1863

By this time the Legion had fought in several of France’s wars.  Spain, where France had involved itself the Spanish civil war, and what was then French Africa, later to become Algeria.  They had also fought in the Crimean war.  Though their victories had been mixed with some considerable failures, they were sufficiently seasoned to be sent to support France’s counter-revolutionary force in Mexico.  Here, France’s domination was threatened by a native revolt.  

Legionnaire uniform in the 1860's

The legion took two important things to Mexico.  An iron hardness and courage born of the brutal, gruelling discipline they had learnt in Africa.  And an unbreakable bond between the men, born of the conviction that all legionnaires were outcasts whose only home was the Legion.

They were about to get the third piece of their identity, the one that would make them one of the greatest fighting forces the world has ever known. 

Part 2, which retells the events of the battle of Camerone, can be found here

Yesterday was Cary Grant’s birthday. He has been gone a few years now (he died in 1986) but we always celebrate it here at What Makes A Man because for us he defines manly style. Last year we wrote about his movies and his personal style. That article is here. This article is a day late, but we treasure his memory.

This year I am going to write about what I learnt from Cary Grant. I have learnt many lessons from Mr Grant and here are ten of them. To help readers who enjoy his sense of style I have also added a guideline on the clothes he wore so well.

No1 Clothes are the raw material of self creation
As an adolescent Cary Grant was poor and badly educated. However he had a passionate desire to make something of his life and realised that he could start to inhabit the world he wanted to be part of by wearing the clothes of the lifestyle he aspired to. In doing that he was right on the money.

Implicit in choosing clothes well is the understanding that you create yourself. I learnt from Mr Grant that I need to know who I was going to create, when I dressed. We all take in lots of information, every second of the day. In one minute a person takes in over 3,000 pieces of information a second, most of it visual. However the brain can only process 800 pieces of information a second. So we all end up absorbing a lot of information that we react to at an instinctual level. When you meet another person they make an assessment of you in the first eight seconds. Before you open your mouth. Studies show that it takes a huge amount of effort to change that first impression. Clothes help you make the impression you want.

From clothes came other things. To live the life I wanted I needed to understand wine, good manners, how to write, amongst a host of other things. I chose clothes carefully and saw the effect my clothes had on people. That gave me the confidence to grow other areas of life.

Clothes will always be important, you can use that.

No 2 The importance is in the details
Cary Grant once said “It takes 500 small details to add up to a favourable impression”. He was famous for knowing his job in intimate detail. Stories abound of him supporting his co-actors. He could do this because he had mastered his own part and had competence to spare. When I dress I think about the event and decide what is appropriate. If I am meeting someone for the first time I research them. I want to get to know them and it is easier to do that if you have some clues. All the details add up to success.

No3 Confidence is sexy
Clothes are not sexy, a confident man in good clothes is sexy. Cary Grant carried himself well, was comfortable in his own skin. Good clothes help. When I had my first Kilgour of Savile Row suit made I was used to wearing Italian suits and the Kigour felt a lot stiffer. However after I wore it the first time it felt like a second skin. Now I always wear it when I want that extra bit of assurance.

However it is not just clothes, a man needs to be able to present himself confidently when meeting people. Cary Grant worked at being able to express himself gracefully but equally importantly he also worked at actively listening. He was gracious and looked for good in people. He genuinely liked people and was interested in their lives.  He also actively managed himself, always presenting himself with confidence.  He knew that people had an expectation of him, he lived up to it.

It took me the longest time to learn to listen rather than talk, but I think I am getting it.

And the clincher is women. All my female friends who are dating say the same thing, a man who is sure of himself is sexy.

No 4 Know your style
What style suits you? Do you look good in classic English suits? Romantic Italian suits? Are you a natural man, look good in chunky cable-stitch sweater and corduroys? Cary Grant worked this out long before style and image consultants existed.

Image consultants use a number of style “types” to determine what clothes suit a man. A “classic” type man looks good in classic English-cut suits. A “romantic” type man looks good in those curved softer shoulder Italian suits. Cary Grant was mostly a classic type, which explains why he looked so good in English-cut suits.

You can have this, find a style and image consultant, get them to assess your body shape, style type and get them to tell you what clothes are good for you. It will be one of the cheapest investments you ever make.  Here is one I recommend, they do very good work.

Otherwise do as Cary Grant did, experiment, shop for clothes carefully, look for what suits you. If you are in doubt, take with you someone whose judgement you trust, until the time comes when you trust your own.

No 5 Stay Fit
No amount of good clothing will disguise the fact if you are overweight. The brutal truth is that you cannot look good with a fat belly. It also tells other people a lot about you, primarily that you do not look after yourself. Are fat men good in bed? No. Do women know this? Yes.

Watch Grant in “It takes a Thief”, his Hitchcock caper movie. He swims onto the beach at Cannes and the camera catches his body in a mid-distance shot. He was fifty at the time and superbly fit. He worked at it, but not obsessively.

Some of the other benefits of staying fit is that you look younger and you have that extra vitality which makes you quicker, sharper and more agreeable to be with.

No 6 You are entitled to aspire, to re-invent yourself
This concept will not come as a surprise for American readers of What Makes A Man. Cary Grant started dirt-poor and ignorant. Rather than accept it, he began a life-long journey of self-improvement. It was not easy, he talked about being neither Archie Leach (the poor Bristolian boy) or Cary Grant and being suspicious of both. However he never gave up and he became the person he wanted. We can all leave our pasts behind, it is not easy and there are times when we slip back, but it can be done, it just takes hard work. Cary Grant is an inspiration to all men.

No 7 Classy is good manners and a pleasant personality
Actually what Cary Grant said was that a man can go a long way with good manners and a pleasant personality. I also find that good manners and a willingness to smile and enjoy another’s company really helps you get along in life.

I was on nodding acquaintance with a very stylish salesman who worked in a menswear store in Bond Street. I cannot mention his name and if you read on you will see why. I was a customer but not in the same league as some of his other customers, who were very wealthy indeed. Whenever I was near the store I would pop in to chat with him. He had a fantastic eye for colour and could put together superb combinations of clothes, in a way that most men cannot. I often complimented him on his style sense. It seems to me that a key part of good manners is to appreciate people for their skills, rather than maintain a “cool” distance.

I went to the store during a sale and he served me. I had already chosen one suit when I realised that the suit he was wearing would suit me perfectly. I told him this and he said “yes, it would”. The suit was not in the sale, in fact it was not even on the racks. I was disappointed; the suit was perfect for me.

I mentioned it again while the first suit was being marked for alterations. He looked at me and said, “wait here and have a cup of coffee”. Twenty minutes later he came back with a suit over his arm. He simply said “I found the suit in your size and it is the only one in the sale”. I of course bought it and it was a great suit, made me look great. I did not seek to take advantage of our cordial relationship but I did benefit from it. Manners always help.

No 8. Strive with all your might for what you want.
Cary Grant met his fifth wife, Barbara Harris, when he was 72. She was 26. When they first met, she was reluctant to spend time with Grant, there was clearly a gulf between them both of age and lifestyle. However Cary Grant courted her ardently. Like so many other achievements in his life he put every effort into wooing her. It took time, but in the end she could not resist him. She fell in love with him, they married, and altogether they had ten years of happiness together. Some people never have ten years of happiness. They did because he strove to win her, against all conventional wisdom.

No 9 Enjoy what you do.
Lots of actors complain about what they do, the public are too invasive, they do not get to make the movies they want, their personal lives suffer from the constant travelling, etc. Cary Grant loved what he did, there are countless tales of him turning up on set on his day off, of volunteering to help co-stars learn their lines, of him building friendships with crew, writers and directors.

You know how it is when you do not love what you do, the long days, the glacial clock that never seems to move. When you love what you do you are although more alive, more connected and happy.

N0 10 Have a lively curiousity
Cary Grant enjoyed life. For the whole of his life he learnt. He kept clippings files of information about subjects he wanted to learn about. He cultivated new acquaintances outside of his field, who served as his experts on all sorts of subjects. Like many men,in later life, he wanted answers to the big questions, why are we here? Where do we go? He explored psychotherapy, mind-expanding drugs and Taoism. Curiousity about the world keeps you alive, gives you new worlds to explore when the ones you know are stale and unrewarding.

Thank you, Mr Grant

For me Cary Gant was the very model of a man. Masculine, stylish, intelligent, personable and kind. He gave us a way of being that many of us emulate, consciously or unconsciously. I say he is best remembered not as an actor but as a real man, who did much good in the world. So this year, as every year, thank you for everything Mr Grant.

Cary Grant style
Below are some brief notes on the clothing brands that Cary Gant used to wear. Each note has a link to that companies’ website. It is a further tribute to Grant that, with his timeless sense of style, most of the companies he bought from are still trading today.

Kilgour
One of Savile Row’s best tailors, Kilgour make a classic English suit, padded shoulders, moderately drawn in waist. However there is a slight Italianate curve in a Kilgour suit, making their cut fractionally softer than most other Savile Row tailors. Once you have had one of their bespoke suits make for you, you will not want anything else.

Turnbull and Asser
Jermyn Street shirtmaker whose ready-to-wear and made-to-measure shirts are amongst the best in the world. Their cottons are of excellent quality and the finishing (stitching) of their shirts is beautiful.

Anderson and Sheppard
One of the oldest Savile Row tailors with a timeless classic style. The Anderson and Sheppard suit has a wider shoulder, a soft drape to the cut and a long narrow and very flattering silhouette.

Hawes and Curtis
These English shirtmakers have changed a lot since Grant’s day and now specialise in serviceable ready-to-wear shirts.

N. Peal
Sell the finest cashmere in England. They operate on a level above other knitwear makers with inventive designs and colours, all exclusively designed for them in sumptuous top-quality cashmere.

Cordings
The English gentlemen’s country outfitter par excellence. Masters of corduroy, tweed and canvas, their clothes are classic, stylish and hardwearing. Like many other men of good taste, Gary Grant bought their distinctive raincoats.

Brooks Brothers
The American classic. Brooks Brothers have a magnificent range of off-the-peg classic suits. Their suit cut is slightly more narrow in the shoulders than an English suit and complements the taller man (Cary Grant was 6ft 2in.). Unbeatable value and deep-in-the-bone style.

Aquascutum
Masters of the slim, rakish English-cut suit. Just now returning to the glorious style of their hey-day, when Cary Grant was a customer, under the inspired leadership of Kim Winser. Their ready-to-wear suits are imaginative and modern and they have a very classy Bespoke service.  Understated British style.

Rites of passage and the importance of ritual

Terry Cooper

In 1999 I organised a rite of passage to celebrate a particular moment in my son Jodie’s life. This was the beginning of his life as a man, he was 18. Nine years have passed since this experience and Jodie is now 27. I welcome being asked to write about it now as it gives me an opportunity to reflect on the experience and assess its value.

Having been born in England, which is practically devoid of any sense of celebration, and having grown in a non-religious working class family, I had little experience of rituals which recognise and celebrate significant events in peoples’ lives.

But having many close Jewish friends meant I had, over the years, been included in a number of Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah ceremonies which are a traditional Jewish religious ritual held for boys and girls when they reach the age of 13 to acknowledge, facilitate and celebrate their transition into adulthood.

I was always touched by these experiences. Preparation for the ceremony requires a lot of effort on the part of the individuals going through the process, and can take a year or longer. Seeing the care and warmth of the people in their community ushering these young people through the ritual, is deeply moving. It is also refreshing to feel the spirit of inter-generational co-operation that is present at these gatherings.

As a psychotherapist I have learned a lot about the value of ritual in people’s lives and especially its application within therapeutic work. Rituals in this context are structured experiences which the therapist and client create together to help the client make and manage transitions. A ritual may be to manage ending a behaviour or phase of life that the person has or is trying to outgrow. It may be to begin a new behaviour which they are trying to form or simply to acknowledge and mark a particular event or experience to give it deeper value. Rituals can be both a way of marking significant experiences and of making experiences significant.

Forming a ritual to support the ending of a particular behaviour is making a boundary or drawing a line. It is saying “I want to do something, (create an action) which affirms to myself that I have made a decision to end and let go of this old behaviour”. There are endless ways of doing this, from writing and drawing exercises to more dramatic statements. For example, you could burn a piece of clothing which you associate with a particularly painful event or you might plant a tree to represent what changes you would like to make within yourself. It could simply be to write a kind and supportive letter to yourself, written through the eyes of a real or imagined friend. There are endless possibilities for structuring experiences to support the change process and expand our sense of self, which is really the purpose of ritual; to grow ourselves.

Rituals can generate new experiences at behavioural, cognitive and feeling levels, replacing old behaviours and their associated feelings with different, more satisfying experiences. Recognising the importance of creating rituals to help us engage in the forming of transitional experiences also heightens our awareness of natural transitions that otherwise might have passed unnoticed.

Rituals can be used when we are on our own or with others. They can be used to form a relationship to ourselves, and many have a social value such as weddings or funerals. These are about being imbedded in a community and involving the community in witnessing important events and transitions. I will talk more about this later.

It is important that the ritual is physical. Physical action (behaviour) changes an intention, idea or dream into something more concrete and through this experience we empower ourselves. Ideas stimulate but do not empower. Empowerment is always connected to an action. The action may be very subtle or dramatic, though often the smaller steps lay better foundations on which to build.

Rite of passage

According to Arnold Van Gennep, a French ethnographer and folklorist (1873-1957), rites of passage have three phases: separation, liminality, and incorporation. In the first phase, people withdraw from the group and begin moving from one place or status to another. In the third phase, they re-enter society, having completed the rite. The liminal phase is the period between states, during which people have left one place or state but have not yet entered or joined the next. There are also micro transitions that are like mini rites of passage that occur in the normal passage of time, more often than not they are part of a consultation process over the years between the parents and child. These are commonly about separation and increased independence. “Can I cross the road”? “Can I have a private space”? “Can I stay out”, “Can I stay at so and so’s house”? Having these managed experiences of separation are essential to support the growing adult within the child. A formal rite of passage is to affirm already existing developmental processes. If this is not worked out through co-operation, it might be through defiance. I’m not a believer that defiance is necessary and it is often an indication that families do not know how to arrive at decisions through other means.

After attending a Bar-Mitzvah or Bat-Mitzvah I would always be thinking about Jodie and the culture we lived in and the fact that the only rites of passage on offer seemed to be peer-led, such as drinking, drugging, staying up late, etc. Going against the adult community seemed to be the norm.

I think it is quite interesting how deep the need for a rite of passage is and that kids will find a way of forming it for themselves even if it isn’t provided by their community. As we know, many kids form their own rituals as well as participating in the rituals of the community. My own opinion is the rituals of peer-led rites of passage are not in competition with that of the community. They serve different functions and even if the traditional rituals are felt to be old and uncool, they still provide a glue that is important for the continuity of social identity and sense of place.

I mentioned earlier that the Bar-Mitzvah and Bat-Mitzvah is held when young adults are 13. When Jodie was that age, and every year after until he was 18, I waited to see when he was becoming ready for a ritual to mark the transition from being a youth to being a young man.

When Jodie was 18 I felt him changing, he appeared to be more solid in himself and was talking more about his own future and what he wanted for the next few years. At this time he was also preparing to leave home and go to university in America. I began to think about what I might do to acknowledge his changing and the transition he was in.

I had been working for fifteen years in Iceland leading weekend workshops and my work was coming to an end. My sponsor and I had dreamt for many years of organising an experience for men in the Icelandic countryside. The idea was that I would invite some men from the UK and that he would invite men he knew from Iceland and we would tour around the country in four-wheel-drive cars, camp out, be in nature and have time in groups to discuss issues relating to being male.

It occurred to me that this journey would be the most wonderful way to honour Jodie’s changes. The idea that the personal journey he was making in himself toward becoming a man would be supported by an outer journey really appealed to me. My sponsor and I spoke about it and it was agreed.

I asked Jodie if he would like to go to Iceland and be part of a men’s experience and said he could bring a friend. I didn’t tell him my agenda and he was very excited just to be part of the experience and spend time with his best friend Martyn.

Men’s Programme

I had been working with men in men’s on-going groups for 20 years in a programme I call Men for Men and I have been inspired by how much can be achieved when men support each others personal growth and development. An outcome of men sharing their concerns with other men is that a powerful warmth emerges and this generates feelings of trust and confidence. When men increase their comfort level by being with other men in this way it not only strengthens their identity as men but also how they manage themselves in their close relationships and in the world in general.

I invited a number of men from the UK who I liked and respected and told them of my plan. I said, at some point I would like them each to share with Jodie something important that they had learned from all their years of experience that they valued and thought would be useful to him in life and that this would be their gift to him. This particular group of men had never been together before and many of them didn’t know each other. It was a diverse group. One was a good friend from America who had his own electrical installation business. Two were friends and colleagues from my therapy world. One was an acupuncturist and another worked in finance in the City of London.

The Icelandic men were my business sponsor and his brother and another man who I had known for many years through the workshops and trainings I held in the UK and Iceland. The ages of the men ranged from mid thirties to sixty, most were in committed relationships and half had children of their own.

Including myself, Jodie and Martyn, we were eleven in all.

Starting the journey in Iceland

The group met for the first time at The Pearl (Perlan) restaurant in Reykjavik. The Pearl is a large glass and steel dome sitting upon huge silver geothermal water tanks on top of a hill overlooking the city. The whole restaurant rotates once every two hours and has incredible views of the city.

I wanted our first meeting place to be somewhere inspiring and unusual as a way of marking the importance of the trip as well as generate high expectations for the week. The Pearl certainly lived up to this.

The group was very excited about meeting and as we sat down to a memorable meal of Icelandic lamb our Icelandic hosts were full of information about Icelandic culture. One little detail I remember was that when you eat out in Iceland and you want more of the course you ordered, it is normal for the restaurant to give you more without charging you for it. I think this represents the kind of positive regard people have for others in Iceland.

I gave a little welcome speech and thanked our hosts for taking care of us and organising cars and equipment and wished everybody a good week.

The older men went back to the hotel to sleep and the younger men headed for the clubs with Jodie and Martyn in tow. It was July and being in the land of the mid-night sun meant that although it was late, the sun was still shining as we all went our separate ways.

Officially, Jodie and Martyn were too young to go into the clubs, but one of the Icelandic men was a genius at negotiating in just about any situation and got them in. It became clear to me that there were three different stage of life groups on the trip, Jodie and Martyn who were young adults, a group of energetic alpha adults in their thirties and a group of elders who were mid-forties and upwards.

I really appreciated this younger group of men taking Jodie and Martyn out on the town. It was part of what I wanted for them, an initiation of sorts with good men watching out for them. It wasn’t something a father could have possibly done.

Of course, us oldies were up at the agreed time to get the cars loaded, but the young men were deep in sleep and not easy to rouse, they were like zombies when they finally appeared. Gradually, over the day, little bits of information about the night before began to come out, such as how friendly the Icelandic girls were and how fantastic the clubs were and how they wanted to return one day. One of the big excitements was that Kevin Costner was in the club. Evidently he likes blondes and good salmon fishing. Or was it good blondes and salmon fishing. I will forever be grateful for the good time those men showed Jodie and Martyn that night.

We loaded up a Land Rover and a Japanese 4×4 with all of the camping equipment and our personal belongings and set off. It is always amazing to me how, within a few minutes of travelling in Iceland you see completely new and spectacular countryside. It is the most interesting and extraordinary landscape I have ever been in.

Passing through green, fertile farming country bathed in golden light to deserts of black sand and brilliant white and turquoise glaciers, we made our way anti-clockwise around Iceland from Reykjavic. The first night on the road we slept in a community centre. The sand on the beach nearby was black and the sky a brilliant orange. Jodie and Martyn saw a high grassy peak nearby and decided that was where they wanted to sleep.

This became the pulse of their connection to the group throughout the trip, to be in the group and separate at the same time. I noticed at times that I was disappointed. I had thought this was going to be a close bonding experience with Jodie and yet he was more connected to the Alpha males in the group than he was to me. It took me a while to realise that we were having a different bonding experience and that this had been the whole point of the trip. He clearly was separating and determining his world, making choices to respond to himself and use himself as a reference point, not me.

Looking back I now see clearly that when somebody close to you is going through a transition you are also going through one, that you are bonded together for better or worse as the saying goes. It hadn’t occurred to me that I was also going through a transition and that my world was also changing. Sometimes the role of parent can blind us to what is really being lived.

The next day we arrived at a sea port where a trip had been organised to take us on a fishing boat to a special bay along the coast. We were all excited to be on a boat and took turns steering, the sea was rough but the boat handled it well. The rock formations alone were worth the trip, they were incredibly dramatic. The place we were going to was used for fishing and for putting up people who were hiking. The only way to get to it was by boat or hiking. When we arrived at the drop off point we were driven in an old Russian jeep which had no brakes. The driver had to slide it into a rock each time he wanted to stop it. I noticed there were horses in a coral at the back of the building and after a great fish lunch we arranged to go horse riding.

Horse riding in Iceland is like nothing else in the world. It is said that the horses are descendents of a Mongolian breed. They are small, very tough and very strong. They are unique in that they have five gaits, the fifth being fast trot. We mounted and for the next hour raced all over the hills and wetlands at the end of the bay. We had fantastic fun and laughed until it hurt. Staying on these frisky and spirited horses was in itself a major achievement even for those of us who thought we knew what riding was about. Only in a place like Iceland, where the health and safety brigade doesn’t exist and a certain amount of acceptable danger is recognised as a necessary part of being alive, could you feel such a great sense of freedom.

After travelling across a region of conical shaped mountains, which looked man-made they were so perfect, and crossing a series of narrow mountain roads with steep drop-offs, we arrived in a beautiful green valley with a river running through it. For the first time we erected our communal tent, which we used to congregate in, and put up our personal tents for sleeping in. The big tent became a source of fun and teasing. It looked like a cross between a circus tent and the tent of a medieval knight. The valley was beautiful, all you could hear was the running of the river and the wind. It had an incredibly peaceful atmosphere about it and as luck would have it we were in the middle of a very rare Icelandic heat wave which meant we were warm and dry for the entire trip.

Ritual and sharing

One night when we were gathered around the fire I decided it was the right moment to talk about the main reason for the trip. I talked about the importance of having men in our lives and being able to share with them personal experiences as well as work interests. I talked about being proud of Jodie and hoped he would remember this trip as a way of marking his transition into becoming a man. I also talked about the importance of Martyn being there and how important it was for both of them to be on this journey together, to have friends who were also going through this life change. At first, they were embarrassed and giggled at the emotional tone of the moment, but they collected themselves together and managed to be really present and take in what was being said.

Sitting around the fire created a special atmosphere and gave great depth to the occasion. It was calming and led us into a reflective mood, appealing to our primitive instincts. I asked each of the men to say a few words of what they had learned in their lives that had been useful to them. One said ”Accept the things you cannot change, and have the courage to change the things you can”. Another said, “Failure stops being a failure when it becomes learning and when you decide to do something. Don’t wonder whether you should be doing it, just look at how to make it happen. When what you are doing stops being where your heart is, then it’s time to re-evaluate and create a new vision”. And another said “ It is important not to become stereotyped as a man burdened by responsibility, remember to play and to enjoy relationships with other men, this was an important part of what supported me in my growing up”.

The sharing was very personal and rich.

Jodie was also given a few gifts. One man gave him a stick he used for hiking, another a medallion and I gave Jodie and Martyn each a Buck hunting knife. This was to symbolise their becoming responsible.

Just as we ended our time of sharing we heard horses and looked up to see two men on horses at the top of the valley. Slowly they made their way down the steep side of the valley and rode toward us at a fast trot. I was fascinated at this spectacle as were our Icelandic hosts, there was nothing but wilderness either side of us for many miles and here they were at our fireside. For a moment I had the experience of how it felt to meet strangers away from civilisation. The excitement and caution of not knowing one another, the sizing up and watching for signals which would tell us how to place who we all were. Of course the Icelandic people had language to aide them in their assessment of the situation. They told me that the riders had been surprised to run into us and were fascinated as to what we were doing there.

They were very red faced, rugged, in their mid sixties, well built and solid looking. They wore leather riding boots, tweed britches and jacket. They were incredibly well turned out and eager to have social contact. They sat by the fire and took out liquor flacons and offered them around. It didn’t take them too long to realise we were not there to party. They stayed a while to enjoy the fire and told us that every summer they saddle up and ride for three weeks sleeping out and spending time together. They had planned to meet their wives to camp with them for a night or two but hadn’t found them yet. Just as they told us this a four-wheel-drive car appeared some distance from our camp and the reunion was complete, we bid them farewell and off they rode.

Ritual Journey, company of men. Jodie Roth Cooper second from left, Terry Cooper fourth from left (double-click image to enlarge)

There was a mythical quality of meeting these two men. They carried themselves and communicated as if they were centuries old, time travelers, and it was a pleasure to be in their company for this brief time. They had arrived about midnight when everything was saturated in a luminescent golden hue which made the whole experience of being with them dream like. When they left, the excitement of their presence and the connection we had had left us full and satisfied, as if something had completed itself.

The days that followed continued to be full of amazing and funny adventures. Jodie and Martyn visibly grew in their confidence to play and be themselves and it was refreshing to be around them to remind us of things about ourselves and to be in touch, close up, with the men of the future. It was in a way inspiring and reassuring, refreshing to be around them. We were reminded of the similarities and differences between them and ourselves when we were at their stage of life. And there was also something very affirming and satisfying about recognising more sharply through this experience the phase of life we were now in.

Looking back

Recently I visited Jodie in America in Vermont, where he lives and works as a commercial welder and sculptor. I was looking forward to asking him about his experience of the Icelandic trip. He was preoccupied with working on a nine foot tall metal sculpture of a man, for a local Chamber of Commerce arts initiative in which the artist’s works are publicly exhibited and then auctioned to raise money for local causes.

This was, in fact, the first time I had been with Jodie when he was in the middle of working on a big project. I was very excited by the whole process and in particular the workshop atmosphere. Outside of the workshop, there was deep snow covering the ground and it was cold and peaceful. Inside, the fire, sparks and illuminated smoke of the welding, grinding and cutting made its own art, turning the light into a dynamic dance of rich colours. Over the days I watched Jodie form an intimate relationship to his work.

It took me a couple of days of watching this relationship grow before I realised, here I am watching this man make a model of a man out of steel and I’m here to ask him about what he thought about his rite of passage in Iceland nine years ago. In a way I felt my question had already been answered by what I had seen and experienced. However, I wanted to hear from Jodie what he had to say about Iceland.

One morning as I was writing this paper I asked him what he had got from going to Iceland and in particular if it had meant anything to him. He said it had meant a lot to be with other men and, that for him, to be with Martyn and the men and the fact that there were no women present, had been really important.

Jodie’s comments reminded me of just how important relationships with men had been to me and how much I had worked at this. When I was younger I stereotyped other men as emotionally limited and thought they had nothing to offer me. I preferred the company of women. It was through my work with men that I really felt their value, and as we all struggled to figure out how to be our own person and what person we wanted to be, we transcended the boiling seas of the war of the sexes to find ourselves entering the calm flat waters of humanness, a very special place to be.

I was pleased that what Jodie valued most from going to Iceland was being with men. And I was thrilled at arriving to find him making a figure of a man.

Jodie Roth Cooper with Iron man sculpture (double-click image to enlarge)

Summary

Through visiting Jodie and writing this paper I’ve learned that there are many more layers to this rite of passage experience than I could have known about or written about at the time it took place. It is as if the experience continues to grow, like a snowball being rolled, it gathers more mass as time passes.

In Iceland, we had, for a short while, the feeling of what it might be like to live as a nomadic tribe. We had no programme or deadlines to meet. We cooked on the fire, bathed in streams and slept under canvas. We felt free to do what we wanted when we wanted and sought out adventure and play at every opportunity. We laughed, we rested, we argued, and we had to work out conflicts a number of times. We were all well outside of our comfort zone at least once during the ten days. For some it was riding, for others it was heights and for some the degree of social contact and sharing was, in itself, a challenge. We were all stretched and we all grew in our own way.

Being that it was a very physical journey it also became clear to us what it meant to be in our own particular phase of life, and what our strengths and limitations were. All of this made us more in touch with ourselves, more defined and more real, in a way.

The fact that I had organised a rite of passage for Jodie, was already an indication of the relationship I had with him. We played together and shared in many new and exciting experiences as he was growing up. As adults we shared a love for motorcycles and rode together in recent years. I have always tried to encourage who he is and what it is he would like to do with his life. And mostly I have been there for him.

But I must admit I was expecting something transformational to come out of the ritual in Iceland and I have at times pursued Jodie for feedback I wanted to hear, such as how incredible it was, which of course he has not said.

Being with him in Vermont this winter allowed me to stand back and look at where he has arrived at within himself and I see that at 27 his life is full of all the things I would have wanted for him. He has good, long-lasting male and female friends, he has a strong work ethic, he has found direction and seems clear about what he wants to do. He is intelligent, sincere and truthful. He is somebody who you would want to be with if you were ever in an emergency situation and he takes good care of himself. He has close male friends whom he confides in and he feels generally in charge of his life.

Many years have past since the rite of passage experience, and reflecting on it from my now perspective has shown me that you have to see the ritual within the context of the whole of a person’s life. A rite of passage is not a magical event which exists for only a particular moment in time to change a person’s life or transform them, it is continuity of an already existing value system. A celebration of what has already grown and what might be in the future. As the years go by and Jodie takes charge of his life I see an unfolding of a life, a flowering of values and qualities. No one thing determines the success of an individual life, it is many things. But from my own experience being supported and encouraged helps a lot.

It is important to remember the social aspect of the rite of passage ritual. For the most part these rituals are not chosen, they are given by the community. It is important for the communities’ survival and future that its young adults are shaped and encouraged toward greater responsibility. These rites always involve a challenge of some sort, the challenge for Jodie and Martyn was to go off and live with a group of older men for a week, most of whom they didn’t know.

Jodie’s rite of passage was a special experience. It was designed to be. The place, the men who were there, the natural world we immersed ourselves in, the kindness of the Icelandic people, the dramatic landscapes, learning to drive four-wheel-drive cars, diving naked into glacial rivers, white river rafting and, of course, the ritual we made as a group around the fire sharing experiences and gifts with Jodie and Martyn and the generous thoughts from everyone made it so. From what I can see, if a rite of passage is putting up some sign posts to say, “This way son,” It seems to be working.

From my own experience I see these events grow in significance over time. At 58, I look back, at people who were there for me when I was young, people who are no longer in my life now, and their value increases as time goes by.

I would like to end with a quote from, John Dewey, an American philosopher and educationalist from Vermont and one of the founders of the philosophical school of pragmatism and the father of functional psychology (1859-1952). The quote captures my philosophy of life and what I have tried to convey in telling Jodie’s story. “The self is not something ready-made, but something in continuous formation through choice of action.”

Terry Cooper (born in Southampton 1950) is a founder director of Spectrum, a psychotherapy practice and training centre in London, England. He can be contacted at http://www.spectrumtherapy.co.uk

Jodie Roth Cooper (born in London 1980). Is a graduate of Skidmore College, N.Y. He is a commercial welder and sculptor and can be contacted on www.jrcooper.net.

© Terry Cooper 2008

Mne Only is an exhibition and auction of works by English artists in aid of the Everyman male cancer campaign.  It culminates in a champagne reception and auction at Libertys on the 11th September at 7.00pm.  Tickets for the reception and auction are available here at the Men Only site or by calling this number  020 7153 5378.

Men Only have some superb art on display at the exhbition and this is a great opportunity to support a cause that directly helps men.  My father died of the effects of prostate cancer and I recently lost a very close male friend to bowel cancer. I know and I am sure all What Makes a Man readers know deadly these diseases can be.  Please go, have fun and support a very worthwhile cause.  

I sometimes eat breakfast in a cafe in North London.   Once or twice a month I have a meeting near Finsbury Park.  When I do, I eat breakfast at a particular cafe.

Somerset Maugham, the English man of letters, once said “If you want to eat well in England you have to eat breakfast three times a day”.  Indeed breakfast is the one meal that English cafes always (almost always) do well. 

The cafe owner is a quietly handsome man, slight of build, with a friendly face and always a slight smile.  He has dark skin and dark eyes and I guess he is around thirty.  I was told that though he has lived in England most of his life, he and his family came to England as immigrants.  His English is accented but precise. 

He is the cook as well as the owner, always working in the long open kitchen that stretches back from the counter.  His family used to take orders and wait table but now a blonde Polish girl does it. 

His breakfasts are a work of art.  The bacom is moist with just the right amount of crispness, the fried mushrooms plump and free of grease, the eggs fried perfectly with hot yellow yolks, the hash browns crispy and golden, warm and melting on the inside.

Sometimes he multi-tasks, working both the counter and the kitchen.  I wish him a good morning, he smiles and returns his own good morning and asks me what I want to eat. 

We both enjoy our simple exchanges.  He clearly has a definite view of what good manners are and an unspoken expectation that a man should have them.  I have the same expectation and enjoy the cordial politeness of English manners.  I remember the first time I complimented him on his food and he was clearly pleased.  Over time we have built a connection solely around mutual courtesy.

I ate there last week after an absence of two months.  I was surprised when he left the kitchen and personally served me breakfast.  We exchanged good mornings and he then told me how pleased he was to see me and how good it was that I was back in his restaurant.  I was touched by his gesture.  The moment was a gift, to be remembered.

It was the perfect demonstration of the value of manners.  Two men respectfully acknowleding each other, bridging their separate selves with common courtesy.

In London, with its sense of time running out and people consumed by work, good manners and the consideration of others can be a momentary oasis in a desert of anonymity.

Good manners are inseparable from style.   

I have just received my copy of “Manliness” by Harvey C Mansfield.   This study of what constitutes manliness is a timely addition to our current debate about men and manliness.  I will publish a full review in the near future.